I'm not sure how to describe what I witnessed yesterday when I went to see the Dalai Lama with my best girl Melissa. I had spent the months prior to the experience anticipating the day and hoping that it would shed some light and give me some sort of tool or perspective to guide me through the heart wrenching events that we have gone through recently. I longed to hear something that was going to transform my current state of emotional limbo into something that I could view as greater than me and walk away transformed. Silly me. Such is life right? Never expect too much. I already knew that, duh! That in itself makes me laugh, and laughter, I have found is the best medicine around. That shit is free folks!
The morning that started at 5:15 when I rose started something like this.... wake groggily, shower and get ready, pick Melissa up at 7 am, drive to the shuttle location, shuttle, arrive, view the vast amount (12,000) of people there to witness the event, sort of in awe at how diverse the crowd was, shove a power bar in my hungry mouth, people watch beyond belief, go through metal detectors and have purse searched, make our way to our seat, realize that we have the worst seats ever, grateful that I even have a seat to begin with, play stupid games on Iphone with Meliss right next to me and laugh my ass off, feel grateful that she is my friend, wait 1 1/2 hours for event to begin, watch the pre-show Indian dancing, think how heavy their costumes are and wonder if they are happy to be doing so at 8 am, realize my intense back pain due to bench seating. And then, like the clouds had parted and life could begin, HE emerged!! The man, THE ONE human that I have always wanted to hear speak in person was in front of me. I was calm and present.
As soon as he started talking, my ears and my heart were wide open. I listened, and listened. And then.... I realized that I had a really hard time understanding what he was saying! OH NO, this couldn't be happening!!! I leaned closer, that didn't help, I turned my head, ear to the front, no go! I have seen him speak before on television and didn't have such a hard time trying to decipher what he was saying through his accent, so why? Why now? I was ready and needed it! None of this helped. I saw Melissa writing down notes in her notebook which made me wonder (and giggle to myself) , " Do you speak Dalai Lama?" Not until my bench seating neighbor leaned over after a half hour and asked " Please tell me that I am not the only one who cannot understand him" was I able to see the humour in it. With no disrespect to him do I say this at all, especially because I was raised with a father and grandparents that English is their second language, I just found it very difficult. I blame it on the microphones and vast amount of people there, or possibly the hum of spiritual vibration that was too overpowering for me to hear through. All in all, I am happy that I was in the same room as him, it was grand.
I spent time last evening scouring the internet and found bits and pieces of his words from the event. I realized once again that even though I didn't hear everything he was saying at moments, everything he spoke of is already in me. It always is. I thought that I needed him to tell me (once again), but it is always there, and always will be. I just need to be mindful and present to hear it clearly.
Have a wonderful and present weekend. I plan to do the same. xo
I have a little thing for weddings, I can't help myself, I love them. So, you can imagine how happy I was to be able to attend this one in one of my favorite places and with a couple that I think is just so perfect for each other. I wish I took more pictures but I was actually just enjoying myself and taking it all in. The location was awesome and the weather out there couldn't have been more perfect the whole time. To spend a weekend catching up with beloved friends from LA and soak up the sun was so relaxing and so very needed. The thought of leaving the day we were supposed to was such a bummer that we extended our stay and got more time in at the pool and a visit with our bff in Joshua Tree. Every time I leave there I try to conceive of how I can live there part time. One can dream right?
For the past two weeks we have been adjusting to our new life as empty nesters. Spending as much time with friends, and the littles as possible. Nothing cures a broken heart as much as hearing the laughter of the little people we call friends. Enjoying a rainy day at the beach with my favorite person doesn't hurt either. Two weekends ago we set off for the beach and to Alex's favorite surf spots to get out and breathe the cold crisp air. Between the rain storms we were able to venture and explore a bit, it was a such beautiful day.
Last tuesday we lost the most amazing creature known to man, our sweet,sweet Haiku. That furry old lady we speak of often.You know her right? As I type this, my eyes well up with tears. Somehow through the intensely shattering experience that particular day, I shed few.
I myself have decided not to bear children of my own. A choice that is always greeted with "the look" that could sink a thousand ships. I feel now that this experience has made me realize that without a human child, I am still a mother. As a very dear friend pointed out to me recently, I raised my dog from the time I was barely out of high school, living on my own, into adulthood. I never gave her up when an apartment I was seeeking at the time didn't take pets. We figured it out, that was never an option. We were home to each other. As I have stated before, we made our way together. She and I, my friend.
I believe that at the end, which was peaceful and still so unbelievably painful and surreal that I didn't shed those tears until after I was able to guide my baby through and onto what was next for her. In that moment, and still days later I feel that I have learned so much about compassion and grace. I was her mother, yet she taught me so much about myself and probably will continue to do so.
RIP Haiku 1996-2012. Such a damn trooper she was, 16 years old. A wise woman for sure. We will love and miss her forever.
I am pretty obsessed with this band after seeing them on the Grammy's recently. If you know me well, then you know that I have a super sweet spot for old country music and this band really does it for me. By no means are they an "old" band but they have the heart of one. Seriously. My crazy self spent the last hour seaching for videos of them and the only thing I came up with is how cool, and down to earth I think they are.
I really love mushrooms, so much so that when I'm dining out I always try to find dishes that incorporate them. Almost always. So while looking through old posts of deliciousness on 101 Cookbooks, I found this recipe that has fast become a staple of satisfaction in our house.
The recipe is simple which is the first thing that got me. It also has great flavor and as Heidi stated, it is really something that you can transform into other flavor combinations really easily. If you stick to the bare bones of the recipe, you can interchange all the ingredients to suit your mood. I have made a mexican version by simply using black beans, fresh corn, red onions, mexican cheese, and a garnish of cilantro. It is also such a transitional dish that it is great for breakfast, sort of like a quiche. Alex always eats the leftovers with a fried egg in the morning because that man without eggs is a sad, sad man.
photo: 101 cookbooks
photo: 101 cookbooks
I have been really appreciating our little family lately. With recent events I found myself lost and sad as hell. It's strange how a a simple conversation or interaction with someone will snap you back into the you that you know. The words weren't profound in anyway but my dad said a simple thing that whipped me back to reality. The first day of the new year he said, " What if Haiku lives for another six months, a year?" For some reason that thought had never occurred to me. Strange but true. It was like I was living under a grief blanket that never seemed to warm or console me in any way. I now realize that my premature grief hasn't been doing any of us any good. I am back and ready to live what remaining days we have to the fullest which feels refreshing and so clear finally. This little pup is not going down without a fight. She loves us which is extremely clear and wants to be around, which makes me want to give her the best me in whatever time we have left together.
Also, that guy up there really meant it when he vowed for better or for worse. That kind of sincerity really makes me want to be better. Do better. For us. Love really is all around.
Now back to regular programming.