As the year comes to an end and renewal and reflection seem to be the tone at this time, I can't help but feel at a loss. The hope and wish for change that comes with the passing or start of a new year has stopped me in my tracks.
Almost three months ago when we found out that our beloved little furry old lady has kidney failure we, or I more appropriately lost my shit. The pain in my heart that I know is inevitable is somehow not nourished in any way by the fact that she has lived a good life as so many people have said . It's too short. Way too short.
I got Haiku when I was first living on my own and learning who I wanted to become. I'm still learning, and somehow that person still hasn't or has ever imagined a life without her. She has seen me through my many bad choices, wild nights, and boyfriends that never suited us. Numerous jobs, travel, small stints living in new towns. She has road tripped and kept me semi grounded along the way.
Many years have passed and we have made our way together. She and I, only us, really. We finally met a forever dad for her and a wonderful husband for me that has been lucky to span ten years of her life with her. Somehow, it's not enough. Obviously I know that I must keep it together and hopefully I will, but grief, is one ugly fucking thing. I hope that for her at least, in the end, I can keep a bit of myself together. It really isn't about me now is it? With every thread in my being, I'm trying. So hard. For her.
photo: Ensworth Foto