Between The Storms

For the past two weeks we have been adjusting to our new life as empty nesters. Spending as much time with friends, and the littles as possible. Nothing cures a broken heart as much as hearing the laughter of the little people we call friends. Enjoying a rainy day at the beach with my favorite person doesn't hurt either. Two weekends ago we set off for the beach and to Alex's favorite surf spots to get out and breathe the cold crisp air. Between the rain storms we were able to venture and explore a bit, it was a such beautiful day. 

RIP Haiku

Last tuesday we lost the most amazing creature known to man, our sweet,sweet Haiku. That furry old lady we speak of often.You know her right? As I type this, my eyes well up with tears. Somehow through the intensely shattering experience that particular day, I shed few.

I myself have decided not to bear children of my own. A choice that is always greeted with "the look" that could sink a thousand ships. I feel now that this experience has made me realize that without a human child, I am still a mother. As a very dear friend pointed out to me recently, I raised my dog from the time I was barely out of high school, living on my own, into adulthood. I never gave her up when an apartment I was seeeking at the time didn't take pets. We figured it out, that was never an option. We were home to each other. As I have stated before, we made our way together. She and I, my friend. 

I believe that at the end, which was peaceful and still so unbelievably painful and surreal that I didn't shed those tears until after I was able to guide my baby through and onto what was next for her. In that moment, and still days later I feel that I have learned so much about compassion and grace. I was her mother, yet she taught me so much about myself and probably will continue to do so.

RIP Haiku 1996-2012. Such a damn trooper she was, 16 years old. A wise woman for sure. We will love and miss her forever.

The Civil Wars

I am pretty obsessed with this band after seeing them on the Grammy's recently. If you know me well, then you know that I have a super sweet spot for old country music and this band really does it for me. By no means are they an "old" band but they have the heart of one. Seriously. My crazy self spent the last hour seaching for videos of them and the only thing I came up with is how cool, and down to earth I think they are.

Life Is A Park



We have been spending a lot of time in parks lately. This little one of ours has been enjoying it tremendously. Rolling around, getting loose, and enjoying every last minute with us.

It really is the little moments that mean the most.

The Littles



 There have been many celebratory events for the littles of late. First was Mila's second birthday party two weekends ago. I crafted, two words I never thought I would say. Against my better judgement and since it was a bumble bee theme I made a flower crown with bees. That little thing didn't last a minute before it was taking twists and turns at the hand of the birthday girl herself. I'm so naive, I thought I could get at least one solid picture of her in it. Nope! Not a chance.

The following weekend we celebrated Lolli's third birthday. It was an art party and the littles got down. It was so fun that now I want one for my own birthday this year. Sort of joking but not really. It was strategic trying to stray far enough away from their little messy hands. Some were not so lucky.

I also want to say a huge congratulations to my friends who I visited recently in San Jose. On Tuesday morning, just before noon, they welcomed their son Otto into this world!!! He is a really cute one! You know those ones right? Cute babies. Yeah, he's one of those. I am looking forward to meeting him in person and adding another little to the expanding crew.

Recipe Love: Mushroom Casserole

I really love mushrooms, so much so that when I'm dining out I always try to find dishes that incorporate them. Almost always. So while looking through old posts of deliciousness on 101 Cookbooks, I found this recipe that has fast become a staple of satisfaction in our house.

The recipe is simple which is the first thing that got me. It also has great flavor and as Heidi stated, it is really something that you can transform into other flavor combinations really easily. If you stick to the bare bones of the recipe, you can interchange all the ingredients to suit your mood. I have made a mexican version by simply using black beans, fresh corn, red onions, mexican cheese, and a garnish of cilantro. It is also such a transitional dish that it is great for breakfast, sort of like a quiche. Alex always eats the leftovers with a fried egg in the morning because that man without eggs is a sad, sad man.

photo: 101 cookbooks

Just A Thought



Just a couple photos I found from a day at the Deer Park Monastery sometime last year. I may or may not have posted them before but one needs a little reminder now and then. You know?

Blacks Beach View



One of the best things of living in our city that I personally take for granted at moments are the gorgeous spots to take in a sunset. This of course is never lost on Alex. Not for a second. Watching my husband stare out at his other home is a really peaceful and beautiful thing to watch. Big waves or not, he embraces that ocean with his whole heart. That sort of love is inspiring.

A Visit With Friends



Sometimes all you need is good old fashioned girl time (and you too Axel) to put you back in place. Last weekend I flew with a great friend and one of the most amazing toddler travel partners of all time to San Jose to visit friends who are expecting a little one of their own in less than four weeks!! I have to say that the speed of someone being so pregnant was exactly the speed I was willing to embrace right now. It was perfect to relax and spend time with friends I consider family. So many years and experiences under our belts and we are still in each others lives. None of it was lost on me, the whole trip I kept thinking how grateful I am for these beautiful women in my life.

Early mornings spent by myself in their comforting home, a walk by the beach of Half Moon Bay, way too much tasty food, and evenings spent catching up and reliving our almost 20 years as friends. It was time well spent.

A New Lightness Of Being

I have been really appreciating our little family lately. With recent events I found myself lost and sad as hell. It's strange how a a simple conversation or interaction with someone will snap you back into the you that you know. The words weren't profound in anyway but my dad said a simple thing that whipped me back to reality. The first day of the new year he said, " What if Haiku lives for another six months, a year?" For some reason that thought had never occurred to me. Strange but true. It was like I was living under a grief blanket that never seemed to warm or console me in any way. I now realize that my premature grief hasn't been doing any of us any good. I am back and ready to live what remaining days we have to the fullest which feels refreshing and so clear finally. This little pup is not going down without a fight. She loves us which is extremely clear and wants to be around, which makes me want to give her the best me in whatever time we have left together.

Also, that guy up there really meant it when he vowed for better or for worse. That kind of sincerity really makes me want to be better. Do better. For us. Love really is all around.

Now back to regular programming.

Recipe Love: Creamy Avocado Pasta

So relieved I finally got around to posting my last post, even though it even depresses me to read it. I obviously needed to write it for some reason and this next one is to show, at least to my mom who I know reads my blog that I am ok. Still eating, and eating well.

I have wanted to start posting recipes that I have tried, tested, and loved for awhile. Comfort food has been at an all time high in our house as of late so this dish from Oh She Glows was perfect considering we had everything needed on hand. This pasta rocks! Rocks! So hard! I have made it 3 times in the past couple weeks. Of course I went heavy on the garlic because we love it and may have done the same with the lemon zest at the end and it was so delicious. I am not a fan of cream sauces or maybe my stomach isn't so this was a perfect vegan recipe for anyone desiring a creamy base and tons of flavor.

photo: Oh She Glows

Us Lately

As the year comes to an end and renewal and reflection seem to be the tone at this time, I can't help but feel at a loss. The hope and wish for change that comes with the passing or start of a new year has stopped me in my tracks.

Almost three months ago when we found out that our beloved little furry old lady has kidney failure we, or I more appropriately lost my shit. The pain in my heart that I know is inevitable is somehow not nourished in any way by the fact that she has lived a good life as so many people have said . It's too short. Way too short.

I got Haiku when I was first living on my own and learning who I wanted to become. I'm still learning, and somehow that person still hasn't or has ever imagined a life without her. She has seen me through my many bad choices, wild nights, and boyfriends that never suited us. Numerous jobs, travel, small stints living in new towns. She has road tripped and kept me semi grounded along the way.

Many years have passed and we have made our way together. She and I, only us, really. We finally met a forever dad for her and a wonderful husband for me that has been lucky to span ten years of her life with her. Somehow, it's not enough. Obviously I know that I must keep it together and hopefully I will, but grief, is one ugly fucking thing. I hope that for her at least, in the end, I can keep a bit of myself together. It really isn't about me now is it? With every thread in my being, I'm trying. So hard. For her.
photo: Ensworth Foto